i really hope this post could be as confident as possible so if u do read this please do not talk to it to other people it would be of great help to me because i have no other idea how to express myself

ever since my sister's birthday on good friday i've never had my self esteem as low as this before.. this whole year sucked for me at home.. everytime after hockey traingin or after a jamming session i really hated to go home..not because i didn't like my family i love them..i just felt the energy in my house is ery undermining towards me..i felt left out among my family members..i feel i am the blackest among them (leaving out my "wonderful" father)i feel i am the shortest among them..althouh i have the best psle score (although not very fantastic) among them..i do not feel smart at all.. in fact i feel dumb being smart..as the song by nirvana goes..wouldnt it be better if you were dumb and didn't knwo anything..in a way i hate being smarter than them..i am definitley not more logical than them definitley. I feel very ugly..especially when i see the photos...it's like i am becoming more like my father... i really hat it.. i mean my father was as black as me and i sometimes feel i am a bit like him.. but i sure do not wnat to become a man who has divorced twice ad has 3 families... moreover i feel really really jealous of my younger sister..i mean maybe it's just a freaking teenager's problem but i just can't come to the fact that my mother would say my daughter's very pretty and she wouldn't say anything about me..well i don't blame her at all but i just hate mysel for being a bloody fucking ugly bastard especially evr since the fucking barber cut my hair and made me look smaller than i ever was. i am small...in fact too small.. people do make joke about my height i don't hate it but whenevr i'm feeling down it doesn't help me by thinking about that bullshit.. especially when in sec 1 wira said i looked like an undeveloped child..deep down inside i wanted to cry..but i just laughed it off...it really sux...and counteless of times he would come up to me and point out the fact that i was the same height as him iin primary 5 but he's way taller than me now..it sux..but i don't blame him for that one must always be insulted... i always feel uncomfotable when someone let's say my mom's fren goes up to her and says wow your daughter is very fair and then it really makes me feel like i am the ugliest child they have ever seen..and especially when my mother says oh have u met my children? then they will go oh yah she's the elder one right? then my mom will say no (laughing) he's the elder one..and then the other guy will be like oh wow he's short.. it sux..it fucking sux...why the fuck do i have to be born earlier or why the fuck must i be short ..fuck... another fuck that grinds my gears is that people who listen to my chemical romance or any one of these immature bands or fugs who watch high school musical and don't know who the fuck is george soros and have never encountered a death or divorce in their family say that im immature... please...go listen to the black parade lah...

all you need is love
kumarr