i dunno why but i think this year is probably a year of acceptance for me..

the hols are ending.. at least i can accept that..

i am bloody short and quite fat.. at least i can accept that and live life contunously..

but there's still something i can't accept right now!

my mom keeps saying i should cut m,y hair coz i look shaggy and ugly.. but i think i look better now than after i cut my hair.. coz first opg all.. i am not tall.. second of all.. im not big sized.. so if i cut my hair.. i look smaller.. and thirdly.. my head isnt big.. its freasking small..and fourthly.. im indian.. and im damn dark..so i lok freaking retyarded.. why does my mother not under stand this?

i dunno whether i think its alright coz of the people i hang around with.. or somethiong? or just that my mother lives 1980.. ?

and another thing that i cant come to acceptance.. is that the fact im growing up....

im short..hence i dont have self confidence. and tharts the part where.. i want to get a job this holidays but i dont have the guts to even ask my mom. coz she'll probably talk through her motuh and not her head.... what she sees and not what she knows.. the physical maturity and not the mental sensitvity..

and also the post confrontation.. when i start to get quite pissed.. and like just zone out.. and then she'll say something that.. at this age.. everything seems right to you and everythign else is wrong.. buit problem is i dont get it? so if everything that is right to me.. is wrong.. that what the fuck am i suppose to think? the opposite of what im thinking? seems mudane enough.. so i shan't delve deeper due to my lack of sensitivity.. what do u expect me to write? some thing like; oh i want to study.. so i do the opposite.. ..i've gone past that phase..

but another problem is i tend to ramble about my life.. and now i realised all that rambling is the tip of the iceberg.. tha fact im from a single mother family.. my dad;s a jerk.. has 2 other wives.. has a ntoher kid.. and the fact i know how its like to lose all your riches.. at the age of 5.. and the time i spent with my dad at this very house while my other siblings were in hotel california* at my grandmom's place (it means hell)

and the fact i though those years of staying alone at the age of 5.. waiting for my dad to come home.. with my sis.. (10 motnhs younger)..and that day never came.. those times when at the age of 5.. i wake up and i dont see my dad next to me.. nowhere in the house.. till he comes back at 2.. we still awake.. crying from 9-2.. and then our dad.. starts swearing.. and throwing things here and there...talking about death.. and we there.. watching that shit.. oblivious to what to respond with.. we though that was considered "holiday"

BUt it fucking turned out that was allegedly kidnap.. nom joke.. my mom just told us yesterday.. that was fuckingh kidnap.. an attempt for my dad to get money to go clubbing.. at least now i know the truth.. at least i've come to acceptance my dad is a dick..

and when someone next to me talks about how he's rich and stuff.. and sometimes.. even makes fun of my status.. tghat im a poor dog.. with nothing to lvie up to..and maybe i dont have future.. im dumb.. im shit.. well look at yourself man.. at least i havew come to acceptance that i used to be rich and am a poor ass beggar now.. from the age of 5.. everyone has their bad time. at least now i know mine's gone.. and at least now i know you dont need money to have talent..